The Purpose Porpoise
by Red Witch
Summary: Lana, Pam and Cheryl think about bringing some meaning into their lives.


** This time Lana did something to the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. More madness from my tiny little mind. **

**The Purpose Porpoise **

"What'cha doing Lana?" Pam asked as she and Cheryl walked into Lana's office.

"Writing down my future goals in life," Lana sighed.

"Sorry Lana," Cheryl said. "But they don't do hand shrinkage surgery yet."

"I meant personal goals you deranged ditz!" Lana snapped. "I've been thinking about what I've done with my life. And I've come to the realization that I haven't done much."

"What do you mean? You're a kick ass mother," Pam pointed out. "Who has travelled all over the world and outer space. And you have a body that ninety percent of the women on this planet would kill to have."

"Well yeah," Lana said. "Besides **that!** I want to find out my true potential. My purpose in life. I need to reorganize my goals and revitalize the parts of my life that I've been neglecting for too long."

"You read another stupid self-help book again, didn't you?" Pam asked.

"Well I have to do **something **productive when we're not working!" Lana snapped.

"I kind of get what Lana is saying," Cheryl sighed. "I'm starting to think I'm in a rut. I mean look at my journal."

"You have a _journal?_" Lana asked as Cheryl took it out of her purse.

"Yeah I write down all the stuff I do at work," Cheryl showed Lana.

"Monday," Lana read. "Sniff glue. Ignore phone calls. Talk to Pam. Talk to everybody else. Sniff more glue. Go to lunch. Set a fire in the women's bathroom. Pretend that never happened. Sniff glue. Take a nap. Eat groovy bears. Go home."

"Yeah that's your day all right," Pam said.

"Tuesday," Lana read. "Sniff glue. Ignore phone calls. Talk to stupid people who work at the stupid place. Sniff more glue. Go to lunch. Set a fire in the trash can behind the restaurant next to the restaurant I'm eating at. Watch the firemen. Sniff glue. Take a nap. Eat groovy bears. Go home."

"Diary of an arsonist," Pam quipped.

"Wednesday," Lana read. "Sniff glue. Ignore phone calls. Decided to try not to talk to the stupid people but they keep talking anyway. Eat groovy bears. Pass out on copier. Wake up and go home. Stop at gas station. Sneak into men's room and set a fire in there. Watch the fire on the news."

"That day I decided to change up my routine a little," Cheryl remarked.

"Thursday," Lana read. "Sniff glue. Ignore phone calls. Read magazines. Argue about vampires. Eat groovy bears and sniff glue. Pass out on copier. Wake up. Go home early. Stop at a different gas station and set another fire in a different men's room. Watch the fire on the news."

"So, you're the Highway 87 Arsonist?" Pam asked.

"Only three or four out of the nine," Cheryl said. "All those other fires were started by someone else!"

"Friday," Lana read. "Bored. Decided to just sniff glue and go set a fire at a different men's room gas station. Only to find out someone beat me to it."

"See?" Cheryl pointed.

"Fire was lame," Lana read. "Came back to work. No one noticed I was gone. Took a nap in the copy room after some glue and groovy bears."

"Yeah I'm definitely in a rut," Cheryl said. "I think I've gone as far as I can using fire as a medium."

"Not without alerting the arson squad," Lana remarked.

"You guys have a point," Pam thought. "I don't think I'm living up to my full potential either."

"What?" Lana smirked. "You think you can drink, eat and party even **more?"**

"I have been slacking off in that department lately," Pam admitted. "But I've always wanted to do more with my life."

"Didn't you win all those eating challenges?" Cheryl asked.

"Yeah but most of them were kind of no-brainers," Pam waved.

"Took the words right out of my mouth," Lana remarked.

"I want to do something else with my life besides eating, drinking and partying," Pam remarked. "Something meaningful. I wonder if it's too late for me to be a Playboy Bunny?"

"I think the ship has sailed on **that dream** years ago," Lana remarked.

"More like an extra-large freighter," Cheryl added.

"Maybe this is a good thing?" Lana said. "Maybe we can think about what we want in our life and change it for the better? And find a way to make an impact on the world?"

Pam blinked. "The coups, unnatural disasters, destroyed businesses and the assassinations of world leaders isn't **enough** for you?"

"In a **positive** way!" Lana snapped.

"Oh, right that," Pam realized. "We haven't done that yet."

"Lana's right," Cheryl said. "We were put on this Earth for a purpose. We just need to find out what it is."

"It's going to take a lot of hard work and a lot of self-reflection," Lana said. "But I think if we really work at it, we can do it."

"Yeah!" Pam agreed. "We work at it! Pull a few all-nighters while we figure out how to make the world a better place and leave our mark on it. And maybe within a few years we can do something! Really do something!"

"That's the spirit!" Lana cheered.

"Hang on I just remembered something," Cheryl blinked.

"What?" Pam asked.

Cheryl took out her phone. "I just remembered I'm **rich**. Okay…Do, do, do…There. I just donated two million dollars to a fund to save endangered animals to The World Wildlife Federation. Send the receipt to my accountants for a big ass tax break. There. All done. I saved the planet or something."

"You have got to be **kidding?"** Lana asked. "Cheryl you can't just buy…"

"Hang on," Cheryl said as her phone dinged. "Oh look. They're naming a new species of porpoise after me. Sweet! I'll call it the Tunt Porpoise. No wait…The Cheryl/Carol Tunt Porpoise."

"_WHAT?"_ Lana shouted.

"Hey, I also get a tote bag!" Cheryl said. "Neat!"

"_WHAT?"_ Pam shouted.

"Okay so now I'm going onto this senator's donation go fund me page…" Cheryl typed on her computer. "Put in enough money so he will have to sign a wildlife protection bill…"

"That's not how it works!" Lana snapped.

"He has a questionnaire on how you want your graft to be used," Cheryl showed Lana. "Environmental protection laws Number Three. And they have a space for you to write notes."

"Wow," Pam said. "They really have **everything** online these days, don't they?"

"Now setting up a grant fund to study the Cheryl/Carol Tunt Porpoise," Cheryl typed in. "As well as other marine life. And while I'm at it, I'll set up a scholarship fund for some oceanography students…Make that a minority scholarship fund for two…Make that five students of color."

"WHAT?" Lana shouted.

"Hey, minority scientists are so in now," Pam said. "Neil DeGrasse Tyson. So freaking hot! I'm talking Sploosh Town!"

Cheryl laughed. "I just did more for civil rights and the environment than you ever did in your **whole life** Lana!"

"_WHAT?"_ Lana's eye twitched.

"Ticked off Lana," Cheryl said. "Huge bonus. Now setting up funds for another study on all porpoises. Got another tote bag and an umbrella. Neat! Signed my name to Save the Sea Life bill and another bribe…Bingo! I'm done! Life fulfilled."

"What about working hard to find meaning within yourself?" Lana asked.

"I just saved my own species of porpoise," Cheryl shrugged. "I'm good." She left the room.

"Huh," Pam blinked. "Maybe you can buy your way into heaven?"

"I feel like I'm living in Hell right now," Lana banged her head slowly on her desk.


End file.
